So here it is July of 2014 and I am just now updating this blog. Wow. If you would have told me I would be taking a year off of work and staying home full-time I would have told you I would blog every day! Twice a day! But, as you can see, that didn't happen. So, I have had several people ask me if I have a blog because if so, they want to read it. That sounds really arrogant that I would say that, right? Actually it's not because the truth is, these people want to read about that chaos that is my life so that they can secretly not feel so bad about their own. Well, if I can help someone sleep at night then I guess I should.
Speaking of sleep, want to know what I think about every time my head hits the pillow? Well, besides the continual underlying anxiety about whether or not Ollie will sleep through the night (which he has been doing quite well for the past week...cred where creds due), I think about all the things I did wrong throughout the day and how I am slowly ruining my boys' lives by my incompetence as a mother. Wow...this blog just got real, right? Unfortunately it's true. I go over every mistake I made and pray that it doesn't cause some sort of permanent scar on my children's psyche and that they don't do some crazy rebellious thing later in life because I lost my cool when they jumped on the couch for the 14th time. I get so mad at myself for not being a better mom since the whole time I was in medical school and residency, all I ever wanted was to stay home with my boys. I have what I've always wanted and I still screw it up. How is that possible? Well, after I talk myself off the proverbial cliff, I pray that the next day will be different. That I won't yell, I won't get stressed, I won't spend time pinning fun things to do with my kids and will actually just do them, etc. That I will be fully engaged with them and that I will treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. But, unfortunately, the next night I find myself thinking over my failures and mistakes once again.
For me, being a full-time mother has been the most challenging position I've held. My kids expose my flaws and inadequacies in a way that I never before experienced. It's not their fault of course, this just happens to be the one job where I can't pretend. I can't hide from my selfishness as a full-time mommy. It's always there, staring me in the face, and I constantly have to make a conscious decision to choose them over me. You would think that would just come naturally, right? Well maybe for some of you out there it does but if so, please keep your selfless little mouth shut because I don't want to know. Like my pastor said, "having four boys is a lot of dying to yourself". Well said Pastor, well said.
But here's the good part of the story. The beauty in all of this is that every day I wake up and embrace another day. Every morning as I swing my legs over and my feet hit the floor I make a choice to keep trying. Though I will fail, inevitably, I will give it my best shot. I will continue to try and be better. Thank God I am not alone in this. It is really and truly by God's grace alone that I am able to keep going and He is the only hope I have of getting this thing halfway right. In the midst of everything being stripped away I rejoice in knowing that His grace is enough. Here's to a night when I can laugh at my mistakes and fully trust that He is in control. I promise the next post will be a little less intense and a little more about cute babies. ;)
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